So You Don't Have To
by mitsune
Summary: Yugi whines after Yami ends up in a sexy blonde's body. Kaiba wants money. So does Pegasus. Big news. Joey has Brooklyn pride. Mokuba whines. He has too much acne to get a date. Yami is totally clueless. Mai doesn't want to be tied to a large pole
1. Shuichi Shindupe

Yugi was looking forward to kicking back and drinking a couple of Wudbuisers with his good friends. The problem was that his friends ditched him for opening night of Pooldog: Mutt-throat. After the dog played poker last year, Tea and Joey were on the edge of their seat waiting to see how the dog would become victorious this year and warm all the children's hearts. Yugi had to go bar-hopping alone.

"Why don't they like me, Yami? I only have you, only you care for me," Yugi moaned. The hot sixteen-year-old blonde across the street distracted Yami.

"What? You were ignored by your friends again?" Yami replied, still staring at the blonde. "More beer for us!" Yugi drank enough beer for two people at the next bar, and then stumbled drunkenly out the door.

"Hey, Yugi! Damn it, I want to duel!" Rex Raptor exclaimed, wearing a tailcoat with a pink cummerbund. "I gotta reclaim my honor for all the five-billion times I was treated like a sucker and got beaten." Yugi was too drunk to comment that only seven-year-olds think dinosaurs are cool, that's why Rex lost. He wasn't a sucker, he was an idiot.

"I'gree, lez duel," Yugi replied. As Yugi dueled, somehow the duel ended up in the shadow realm and due to Yami's intoxication and infatuation with the blonde girl across the street, he moved into the girl, a better, brighter, hotter body. Yugi fell asleep on the sidewalk and woke up in a pile of vomit, next to a sketchy homeless old man; after a few moments of waking up, he realized that was his grandpa picking him up.


	2. Screw the Rules, I Have Helicopters!

Kaiba was sitting in his huge office staring at his massive children's card game empire and rubbing his chin thoughtfully. His office was filled with glass furniture that wouldn't be comfortable if he was a robot. On his desk was a plate of helicopter-shaped sugar cookies that, if eaten, would go straight to his thighs. He was wearing a coat that stuck out in back like a table. In fact, earlier in the day Mokuba was drinking his tea on Kaiba's coat. Anyway, Kaiba was musing about helicopters.

"I love helicopters, don't you Joey?" Kaiba asked. Joey was Kaiba's paid bodyguard, because Joey needed money to afford college because he spent all his money getting Serenity new eyes. Honestly, Lasik surgery is not that expensive so it shouldn't have taken that much money. But, Serenity has special eye surgery that took heaps and heaps of dough. She's fine, though.

"Yeah, I guess I do," replied Joey, but he was distracted by the tea stain on Kaiba's coat. It looked a little like the Blue Eyes White Dragon.

"You should be more enthusiastic about helicopters. You said you loved anything I did," Kaiba purred. Joey shrugged.

"You ain't payin' me to love helicopters. I'm jus' supposed to protect you," Joey retorted. Kaiba shrugged and resumed looking out on his capitalist empire. "Damn it, Kaiba! There's more to life making money!" Joey moped in a corner.

Meanwhile, back at Yugi's pad:

Yugi was flipping out because he didn't have a deep masculine voice in his head anymore telling him logical strategies. He missed his companion. The world felt empty and quiet without Yami in his head. It never dawned on him before how much he liked having a voice in his head making him feel mildly schizophrenic.

"Yugi! It's dinner time!" Grandpa called from downstairs. "Tea is eating with us tonight!" Yugi got excited, in more than one way. Tea is hot and can dance. The only problem is that somehow, despite his excitement, there was still this darkness in his heart where Yami used to be. It hurt a lot, both physically and mentally. Except, then he noticed a tack in his foot.

"Hmm, I wonder how much pain is caused by the tack versus the pain in my heart from Yami's disappearance?" Yugi mused as he went downstairs to eat dinner. Tea was wearing a hot pink dress with ruffles around the collar and sleeves. She also had on pink sandals, even though it was winter. Sometimes, Tea really confused Yugi.

Dinner was delicious. Grandpa can cook really well, especially sardines.

"Smells like a farmer, eats like a cheese!" Tea sang the commercial for farmer cheese. "Yugi, are you free tomorrow? I wanna see you. You know, we don't hang out anymore. In high school we were so close, what happened?" Yugi didn't want to tell Tea the pain he had in his heart since high school. It was easier to separate himself from society than get close to people, ever since what happened. Yugi couldn't tell Tea his dark past, though, especially since his dark past was only a week old.

"Yeah, sure," replied Yugi. Maybe Tea could distract him for a couple of moments from the pain. His heart was full of it and torn between his love of children's card games and his fear that he might lose part of himself again, after what happened. Sadly, he was so completely wasted he couldn't remember that night at all.

"Great! I'll meet you at three at the theatre." She cleaned up her plate and brought it to the kitchen.


	3. Humbert Humbert Monsters

Yugi met up with Tea the next day at the pre-designated time and place. They watched a really bad monster movie starring Mai, because she realized that card games didn't pay as well as movie acting. As it was, she had to be paid triple wages, one for her and for each of her breasts, to put tuna fish on her table, because she has a pet cat.

After the film, Yugi and Tea went to a Tea House. Yugi was feeling distant and anti-social. One wonders if he didn't exchange one mental disorder for another – schizophrenia for social phobia.

"So, the monster was totally a father figure to Mai's character," Tea commented. "It was a Freudian Electra complex. Mai was afraid of her father, and then realized that the monster had taken her father's place. It's a warning to all girls who love their fathers. Lolitas beware."

"I don't know about that," Yugi replied. "I mean, the monster seemed to take on a more brother figure to her, and it warned against the human's impact on the environment. Love your brother, love your world, that kind of message."

"Hmm, that's a good point. Do you want to share a pot of jasmine tea?" Tea asked. Yugi nodded and they also bought a slice of red velvet cake to share. Rebecca walked in and sat next to Yugi.

"Hey-ya, Yugi," Rebecca sang. "Are you getting all lovey-dovey? Is this your fate? Your fate is not to date Tea, think about the consequences."

"Yami?" Yugi squeaked, not sure if it really was Yami's soul in Rebecca or not. But, the lilt of Yami's voice, the careful pronunciation, the calming tone, it was hard not to hope.

"Yes, Yugi, it is I, removed from your body and placed inside this pipsqueak's." Yugi's eyes glossed over in happiness and joy. Yami was not gone form his life, anymore. Tea, meanwhile, ate all the cake in revenge. "Tea, do not eat all of Yugi's cake."

"Eep! That was the most scrumptious-mumptious cake ever. I'll get more!" Tea replied, shaken by Rebecca's sudden change in personality. As she ran off to get more cake, Rebecca threw her arms around Yugi. Physical intimacy did not seem to meld Yami back with Yugi though. The pain they felt was insurmountable.

"Yugi, I missed you," Yami whispered, "desperately. You can't imagine the pain I felt being away." Yugi, at this point, became a swooning girl.

"Oh, Yami! The pain in my heart was so great," Yugi replied. Tea, meanwhile, returned and watched.

"Cut the dramatics, you guys. This isn't some kind of midday soap opera," Tea said. "If it was, I would have already had an affair with every guy in this room and three abortions. I've only slept with ten of the guys here." Yugi gasped. He knew Tea was promiscuous, but he never pegged her as a slut. His world was falling apart.

Meanwhile, back at Fortress Kaiba:

Kaiba was sitting at his uncomfortable desk squirming around to get comfortable.

"I am not a robot! Get me an armchair! I have serious thinking to do!" Kaiba bellowed. His squad of servants obeyed his command in a jiffy. Children's card games were passé. He needed a way to target older audiences who stopped caring about big dragons and explosions. In this modern technological world, what would catch adults' attention? How could he make multi-headed imaginary critters interesting to anyone post-pubescence? "Helicopters!" Kaiba exclaimed. "That's it! Joey, what do you think?"

"Sure," Joey replied. "I've got those, uh, manly urges, and I just gotta kill somethin'…fix things, uh, cook outdoors…" he trailed off, lost in a daydream of punching out bears.

"Helicopters! Everyone loves them! They go whirr whirr whirr, 'round and 'round," Kaiba sighed, just as lost in his own daydreams. Kaiba and Joey often devolved into sighs and daydreams. It's what happens when your interests are so drastically different. "Card games while flying a helicopter! The crowds that would gather!" Joey was obviously not listening.


	4. The Maltese Bacon

The scene: A dark alley. Five large, masculine, tattooed, testosterone-dripping thugs surround a small, attractive girl. She cowers, but not in fright. She cowers because they seriously stink. Those thugs haven't showered in three weeks, as a sign of their manliness.

Serenity: It was a dark night. When I went into my apartment, a dame was sitting on my couch, drinking my gin. I lit up my cigarette and waited for her explanation.

Thugs: Thanks for the story, missy. It's time to fight!

(Serenity beats up the thugs in five minutes. They are hurt.)

Serenity (cracking her knuckles): Don't mess with me again, you hear? You got off easy, this time.

(Serenity walks to her apartment, looking behind her suspicious to check that no one followed her. She is in no mood for real dames waiting for her at her apartment that night. Tomorrow is Monday and she wants to get to school. When she enters her apartment, there is no one drinking her gin. Just silence, she is God's lonely woman).

Serenity: It's dark, and there's no one when I come home. Sometimes, late at night, I want a dame with a glass of scotch waiting for me, but the last one was only trouble. She waltzed in here, a diamond bracelet on one arm and a mink coat on the other. She batted her big eyes at me and begged me to help her get out of a fix. How could I have known how big that fix was?

(The phone rings).

Serenity: Hello? Serenity speaking…I only beat up those that ask for it, whose faces spell out the words "Punch Me"…yes, I'll meet you for dinner tomorrow…at five? Okay, see you then.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Yugi:

Tea was singing commercial jingles for breakfast cereal in the living room. Yugi was convinced that she should abandon her dream of being the World's Bestest Dancer and become a composer of commercial jingles. She would probably have more success at that. Sadly, she stubbornly stuck to insisting on dancing although everyone knew it was a fruitless. Getting an A on Excruciatingly Difficult, i.e. Faster Than Your Body Can Handle (without energy drinks) does not automatically translate into a career as a world famous dancer. Nor does winning So You Think You Can Dance? but Tea was oblivious to reality. Yugi was not in a mood to correct her.

Yugi was too busy thinking about the implications of having Yami's soul in Rebecca's body. First and foremost, he could consummate his all-consuming passion that had been burning in his chest for years. Second, now Yami couldn't be aware of Yugi's disturbing sexual fantasies. Third, BDSM was enough for him; he didn't need pedophilia on top of that. And sexual relations with Rebecca would definitely be labeled pedophilia.

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Note: Can I has reviews, pleez?


	5. The Little Brown Brother

Reviews?

* * *

Tension has mounted. Therefore, Yugi is now in the hands of big thugs who have tied him up in a random warehouse where he is yelling and screaming, but obviously too far away for anyone to hear him. Sadly, this plot device is not working well enough because no one cares. Grandpa hasn't even noticed Yugi is gone and has been gone for three weeks. Yami has been having too much fun living in a girl's body to notice. He has discovered the joys of frilly dresses, perfume and iced coffee, and that was the end of Rebecca's good credit rating. Tea officially entered the national DDR competition and was dancing her cereal jingle-singing heart out. Joey watches Kaiba create helicopter duel discs, which go whirr whirr whirr. Serenity beat up some more thugs.

Little do the thugs know, Yugi has a particular love of being tied up, only rivaled by Mokuba. Little does Yugi know, Mokuba was also kidnapped and is tied to other side of the post Yugi is tied to. It's a big post, a seriously big post, a bigger post than really needed in the warehouse. It's a post that big. Yugi is fed three times a day by the thugs, and therefore has not died. In fact, he's in relative comfort, or as much comfort as you can be in when you're tied to a massively huge post in a warehouse.

"I wanted chicken for dinner!" Yugi yelled when he got his hamburger for dinner that night. Is Yugi going to get his chicken, or will he have to eat hamburger? Tune in next week to find out. (or a few days is fine.)

Meanwhile, in le chateau de Pegasus:

Bakura, who was five-foot-eleven-inches tall (he towered over everyone, except Kaiba. It's why, off-camera, they got along so very, very well) and had dyed brown hair, brown eyes and brown tanned skin, was wearing a brown vest, brown shirt, brown pants, brown boots, brown gloves. Bakura realized many years ago that people would not take him seriously unless he had a lot of big guns, and he eventually bought a nice property in Arizona. This made him so overjoyed since he could now shoot trespassers on site without worry; like all good gay right-wing neoconservative Republicans. He was riding a brown horse named, typically, Sylvia. His horse had a bad case of depression and very often tried to kill herself by shoving her head in ovens.

"Oh, Bakura-boy!" Pegasus called from the veranda, "there's lemonade!" Bakura dismounted his brown suicidal horse, and walked over to Pegasus on the brown grass with his brown shoes.

"I'll only drink it if it's brown," Bakura replied, obviously. Pegasus dripped some convenient food coloring into Bakura's drink.

"Bakura-boy, I never can remember your color fetish of the week. It's oh-so tiring trying to remember. It was yellow two days ago," Pegasus sighed, falling back into stoner lingo. "You're such a capricious dude." Pegasus then lit up his blunt.

"The dude abides." Bakura then rubbed his brown shoes on Pegasus's brown rug, which Bakura had earlier stolen from the Big Bakura.

"Why couldn't you have been named Kaiba? Kaiba-boy sounds so much better," Pegaus lamented over his chilled-to-perfection cup of lemonade.

"But Kaiba-boy sucks in bed," Bakura replied before taking off his brown riding gloves.


	6. Fried and Prejudice

Mai had a super excellent disposition. She was so beautiful it made the caterpillars scream at night.

"Take five-hundred million billion," yelled the director. The Big Dinosaur monster was acting up and refusing to knock down fiberboard buildings. Usually, the Big Dinosaur monster had fun knocking down the set buildings, but it was in a foul mood today and wanted to have a tea party with Hello Kitty instead. Mai was getting frustrated, but no more than her super excellent disposition allowed.

"This is wearing me out, this damsel in distress scene. Can't we skip to the scene where I kick ass?" Mai asked, massaging her tense shoulders. Being tied to a big post for two hours causes serious cramps. One wonders how Yugi is dealing, but that won't be revealed now to keep tension raised. "Besides, I hate being weak on screen. What will my pubescent fans thinks? Later in life, they will expect women to be meek, perpetually bound to a literal or symbolic big post with no way to get free. I refuse to take part in teaching young girls such nonsense." Mai spun on her stiletto heels and strode off. "Next time you make me wear ridiculous heels, wear them yourself first," Mai called behind her, throwing the heels at the director.

"That's it! You're fired! Try to find a job now!" the director yelled.

"Oh, you think you're some big shot because you directed a stupid children's television show about a retarded card game!" Mai strode off. She remembered she was meeting Joey for fast food at the Kaiba Kastle that night and he said he was going to introduce her to his little sister. Mai expected Joey's sister to be weak, sweet and intensely quiet, in short, a brother-worshipper. She already braced herself to hate her, all Joey ever told her was that she was in the hospital for way too long for an eye surgery. Her name was Serenity, for heaven's sake, how could she be anything but a wussy loser?

Meanwhile, back at Kaiba Headquarters:

"Damn it!" Kaiba yelled for the fifteenth time that day. The helicopter duel discs just didn't seem to be working. "Maybe this comfortable chair is hindering my brilliance! Joey, get me a hard chair!"

"Sir, today is Joey's day off. He told you earlier," Joey's replacement bodyguard said.

"Damn it!" Kaiba yelled for the sixteenth time that day. "Hey, where's the pipsqueek? I haven't seen him since Joey's last day off."

"Sir, Mokuba seems to have been kidnapped," Joey's replacement bodyguard said.

"Damn it!" Kaiba yelled for the seventeenth time that day. "Get me another plate of helicopter cookies with pink sprinkles! The sprinkles will spur my creativity and spontaneity!"


	7. Shoeless

Yami, after his teary-eyed reunion with Yugi, completely forgot about him. Yugi was totally last year. Yami had found new love: perfume, coffee-based iced drinks and dresses – the mall.

"Ohmigod, it will totally match that Italian dress I just bought! I was like losing sleep thinking about what bag I could carry with it!" he exclaimed over a teal, leather and lace handbag. Yami bought the bag immediately.

"Yammiiii," Rebecca's voice whined in his head, "why don't you do something useful? I want to watch a duel! Pleeeeeease?"

"Nothing matches Dark Magician Girl, and I could, like, never use a deck that was not color coordinated!" Yugi replied. "How could I duel with such an ugly deck? Even Dark Magician Girl, like, no one wears a hat like that. It was so last century."

Against such a well-reasoned argument, Rebecca had no reply. It was true, very few cards were fashionable and unlike people, cards could not get a makeover. At that moment, Yugi made a vow to face Pegasus and ask him to make more fashionable cards. Like, who wouldn't want to duel fashion monsters? Sorcerer of Dark Magic what's that? Wouldn't you rather use Shoe Store of Dark Magic?

Meanwhile, back at Kaiba Kastle:

"I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but it's pretty fucking good," said Joey about his five-dollar Obelisk-the-Tormentor sized mint-chocolate-strawberry milkshake. Mai trying to ask for a sip, just gave up and stole a sip, like a goat who hasn't eaten its crab grass in two weeks.

"Mai drinks _your_ milkshake," Serenity commented. Previously that evening, Mai had been completely awestruck by Serenity, who was nothing like she imagined. The cliché, stereotypical sick girl she thought of in cute bows, ribbons and carrying an adorable plushie was not the Chun-Li that sat across the table from her cracking her knuckles. Serenity was shockingly attractive, beautiful enough to stop evil face-eating carnivorous rats from attacking. In fact, Mai doubted Serenity would find anything in Room 101 except a mirror. The remains of Serenity's Blue-Eyes White Dragon sized chicken filet sandwich were still lying on its paper wrapping.

"Hey, I eat _your_ sandwich?" Joey asked, already eating it. Kaiba was desperate for money after he bought his three-hundredth helicopter. In all other aspects of business, Kaiba had incredible acumen, but with helicopters he went hog wild. So, he started a card-game themed fast food chain that had small plastic toys in every Mokuba-sized Meal, called affectionately by fans a Mokumeal, and the toys were affectionately called Mokubiles because every little card-based plastic toy had Mokuwheels. Cynical college students call the little toys called Puke-ubiles. Serenity liked to punch them.

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Review please?


	8. Tinkerdude

Tension has mounted enough. Yugi was forced to eat a five-course fish dinner. Those kidnappers happened to be world-class chefs. Yugi probably will never have such a pleasant kidnapping again in his whole life. Yet, he has still hasn't found out that Mokuba is on the other side of the pole. Mokuba realized that making a fuss wasn't worth it and that, honestly, he was living better kidnapped than being neglected by Kaiba. His single source of joy in the world was still Kaiba's attention – he has problems leaving the nest.

Mokuba refused to apply for college and leave the Kaiba Estate, mostly due to self-esteem issues concerning his small stature. In addition to his lack of height, Mokuba has had serious psychological problems ever since Kaiba named the small kids-sized meals after him when he was already eighteen. Since then, he has wanted to live in Neverland forever.

Meanwhile, back at the Dude Ranch:

Bakura had tanned such a delicious, deep brown color that he has a serious sunburn. Luckily, he had changed his color fetish of the week to red. Now, he wore only red, even bought a new red American Civil War rifle with the Minié system, and had dyed Sylvia a nice, deep color of red too. She had recently tried to overdose on sleeping pills under the house, unsuccessfully, and had returned to her original desires to put her head in an oven, leaving some milk and bread for the fowls.

"Bakura-boy, we really should start a children's television show," Pegasus drawled. "We can teach them a new color each week. And I can teach them how to build a massive multimillion-dollar empire by the time they're ten. I'll make a couple more million."

"You don't need another source of income. The Arizona ranch is bringing in serious profits, your fatted calves are selling well," Bakura replied. "Besides, imagine _me_ entertaining children. 'Hey kids! C is for cookie! Bloody cookies are red! Red is pretty!'"

"Fine, have your way. I've always wanted to entertain children, since I couldn't have any of my own. My wife died a mysterious death at too young an age to have any children, and look at you! You're not about to get pregnant," Pegasus bemoaned, puffing on his joint. "And if I adopted, it would look too much like the Neverland Ranch."


	9. The Big Shriek

Review? What's funny? What isn't? I'm interested to know.

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Kaiba was ripping his hair out in frustration. The helicopter duel discs were just not catching on. No one wanted to duel in a helicopter, and his stocks were failing. He might lose thousands if this trend continued. He paced around his hard, pointy office wailing.

"Nooooo, not my stocks!" Kaiba bemoaned. "Anything but my precious money! Take Mokuba! Take my body! But don't take my money."

"Sir, Mokuba has already been taken," the bodyguard said.

"Noooo, where's Joey? Has Joey already been taken? Has he found new work now that my corporation is falling to the ground?"

"Hey, sorry 'bout that. I had'ta step out for a moment, you know for business," Joey said. "Kaiba what's wid you? You're gonna take out all yur hair soon, if ya don't stop that. Baldy Kaiba."

"Joey, you're leaving me for another business? Nooooooo, you abandoned me!" Kaiba moaned.

"Kaiba, man, calm down. I ain't leaving ya, you pay too well. Quit moaning like porn actress, it ain't becoming," Joey replied.

"Maybe I can reclaim my money through porn! Dueling porn!" Kaiba yelled.

"You're gettin' desperate, man," Joey replied. "I told ya once, and I'll tell ya again. There's more to life than makin' money. Seriously, take my word for it."

"Noooooo."

Meanwhile, back at Serenity's flat:

The scene: Serenity's apartment. Lush red leather sofa, side table equipped with alcohol. Coffee table with eight remotes, one for each piece of electronics. In her fire place, a fire crackled invitingly. On her mantelpiece was a photo of Joey, looking younger.

Serenity: So, this dame walks into my apartment, expecting something of me. I can see it in her eyes; she wants something big.

_(Serenity cracked her knuckles, more as a habit than a threat.)_

Mai: Minus the voice-over narration, yeah, I want something from you. What do you expect, I'm just stopping by because I was on my way home? I don't go home. But, there's this director, I want you to follow him.

Serenity: Old love? I don't do lover's quarrels.

Mai: Oh, no, he's got some information I don't want to go public. Can you do that?

Serenity: She was a real knockout, and I knew about her. A friend of a friend, but I didn't know if I could trust her yet. What kind of information did she not want leaked?

Mai: A friend of a friend, eh? Well, I'm going to get myself a drink and hope you stop that voice-over nonsense soon so we can get down to the real business.

_(Mai gets herself a scotch and soda before leaning back on the couch. Serenity joins her. Soon, both of their drinks are forgotten.)_


End file.
